The One That Got Away??

"The One That Got Away". Tuh. That's the nice way of saying that we settled for who we are with now. Now I realize that it's hard for some of us to face the reality that there was a point in time when the one we wanted didn't want us. If you were even close enough to be "the one that got away" they would have never let you go. Vice versa.  That's some reality for that ass. 
Once upon a time while leaving her AP English class, a 14 year old girl spotted the most adorable guy that she had ever seen in her life to date. Her heart jumped from her chest right up into her throat for approximately 7 seconds. He didn't even glance towards her direction. They had mutual friends and she often saw him but they never once uttered more than 5 words to each other. He certainly wasn't the most perfect guy in high school but for some reason every time she saw him she got slightly nauseous. In a good way.
Mr. Adorable transferred out of their school by their junior year. He ended up at the same school that her cousins and one of her sisters went to. She mentioned it to her cousins when she heard about Mr. Adorable's transfer through the grapevine. Her cousins rightfully didn't give a fuck. She and the tall class clown that could handle a basketball became boyfriend and girlfriend. They graduated. She got pregnant by Tall Class Clown. They broke up before the baby was born. Life went on.
One night years later she went to a party that her best friend at the time was having. Mr. Best Friend was standing outside talking to a circle of people. In that circle, was Mr. Adorable. She was too drunk at the time from bar hopping earlier to be excited. But she saw him and noticed him. He saw her and noticed her. Mr. Best Friend hooked it up. She and Mr.Adorable started dating. They were smitten. They became a couple. They were on their best behavior. They wrote each other love letters. He brought her homemade soup when she got sick. They met each other's families. Then shit got "real" or at least as real as it can get for 22 year olds. They broke up. Then they got back together. He showed her things she had never known. He saw her for the woman she could be. She showed him how free it was to let your guard down sometimes and allow yourself to love someone with the wall down. At least she would like to think that's what she showed him. Their arguments were unnecessary and passionate. Their make ups were genuine and passionate. But then they broke up again. They dated other people. They kept in contact and popped back into each other's lives just when the other one seemed to be having a connection with someone else. The Black Carrie and Big. Life went on. 
They got back together after they grew up. There were tears (both good and bad) and stomach butterflies (both good and bad) and businesses started together and the bond got stronger. Despite the feelings and the stomach butterflies and the businesses and the bond they broke up. Their love was complicated, deep and real. They are both good people so I am sure that they will find something just like it if they haven't already. Minus the complication. 
Never will He or She refer to the other as "the one that got away". If that were the case, they wouldn't have let each other get away. They realized that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Despite their undeniable connection, neither one of them is crazy. They broke up. And life goes on. 
  

Blind Leading the Blind

"Yes, girl, I can't believe he did that - You DEF don't need to be dealing with him - You deserve better you don't need a man - You're a strong, independent woman", etc. All coming from the type of woman that is in a (fucked up) relationship/lives with her man/married. When I get "advice" from women I not only take it with a grain of salt, I also add 3 tablespoons of Lawry's on top of that. These are women that give advice that they themselves have never taken. On the surface, the intent of such advice is usually positive. The underlying intent not so much. This is the main reason why outside of my family my best friends are men. 

Misery loves company and many women don't want another woman happy if they aren't. Reason being, most women are unhappy with themselves. Obviously this is due to the constant comparison of oneself to another. Even the baddest women on Earth have insecurities. This is why we have there are so many enhancers. Makeup, weaves, surgeries, etc. Of course, men have insecurities too. The difference is that as long as they have money and/or power their out of shape bodies/small dicks/ balding heads/ugly faces are no longer a factor. The Dream looks like Shirley from ' What's Happenin' but he was able to bag Christina Milian. If he was an average dude from Flatbush Ave. trust and believe that he would not have been able to do that. Men figured out a long time ago that it is never necessary to chase women. If you chase money, the women will follow. Women's insecurities lead to cattiness in all shapes and forms. Men's insecurities lead them to an intense paper chase. 

No matter how strong of a woman you are or how strong of a woman you pretend to be men do and will always have the upper hand. Women outnumber men. They have a choice. As women, we always have a choice as well. No one should ever settle for the sake of not being alone but it's just as Kanye said. "All that independent shit - trade it all for a husband and some kids". Men determine whether or not a seed will be planted therefore whether or not your legacy will be carried on. That's some heavy deep shit. You have to be impregnated in order to reproduce. Real talk, the ball is in their court. Yes as women we are the vessel and epitome of life and strength but again the man physically holds the power as to WHEN that will happen. We are programmed to want to find our match an reproduce with them. This is the basic science. We need to be married and have kids by a certain age. Not only is it a mental nuisance but it is a medical fact that you are considered "high risk" if you get pregnant after the age of 35. Men can produce sperm for years after that hence the constant competition that women are in from the time they realize and learn that their pussy getting wet actually has a purpose. 

So now no matter what issue arises between me and my hunny whether it be miniscule or major, there will always be those "friends" whose first reaction will always be, "Yes leave him alone girl!!!". meanwhile if you look at her situation she's either unhappily attached, settled for loving the one that loves her, or is single. These are the types that have never been alphas. Their one chance to feel like a leader is if they beat you to the alter. They need to make sure that no one else's happiness surpasses theirs. I might have to go all out and say that this hate usually comes from Black and Hispanic women. Most of my White friends are married with kids. The plethora of reasons are too many to list here. I'll tell you one thing though. Beck and Sarah do NOT sit on the phone for an hour and a half talking about how trifling Brad is. They keep their intimate issues INTIMATE. They don't dick bash because for the most part they aren't struggling, single mothers like so many of us Black and Hispanic women are. That's a topic for a different time. 

The strongest, most long standing couples have been through some real shit. That's life. You cannot allow your hating ass cipher to point you in the direction of Lonelyville. Their asses aren't checking for you when they are boo'd up believe that. 

My point isn't that you should be blind to good, sound advice if you're in a fucked up situation but I am saying that sometimes bitches need to stay in their lane. I personally don't base my life decisions off of the opinions of what a bitter bitch with an ulterior motive thinks.

IDGAF I will ALWAYS tell a meddling, judgmental chick about herself. These bitches have no problem serving you food that they themselves would never touch. FOH ! Keep on listening to your "homegirls" and you will end up one lonely, powdered donut p*ssied individual. Mark my words. 

Libra Ish

I've failed at all of my relationships so far. Of course I don't mean to but I do. See, my problem is that I luv love sooo much that I probably won't ever find it. That seems to be the case with most Libras. We are in love with all things beautiful and pleasant so we get side tracked. I can even find the beauty in Lil Wayne (who also happens to be a Libra) describing his ejaculation on a girl's face as "Lancum". *sigh* He sure does have a clever way with words. What a romantic. Anyway, for the most part, Libra "luv" is superficial on the surface. When things are going well we get butterflies and can almost visualize a wedding and our summer condo in South Beach with Mr/Mrs right immediately. On the rare occasion that we actually do love for real it has the ability to destroy us. 

When I dig deeper though I know what my issue is. It really has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a typical Libra. Aside from (the idea and admiration of) relationships, engagements, marriages, whatever it may be I have only actually genuinely loved one man other than my son and my father. Problem is he's a version of my father. My father was the type to ask me where the rest of the points were when I showed him that I got a 97 on a test. I secretly always wanted the approval from him that I never got. I found myself going thru the same thing as an adult with Mr. Sagittarius. A judgmental, observant, kind, blunt, honest, responsible, protective, wise, emotional robot. A Sagittarius man just like my father. Just as emotional and complicated as a Libra but with a twist. They are capable of loving you but they just express it differently. See, their trick is that they have the ability to control their emotions by using logic. A typical Libra is no match against that. The type of man that I am never good enough for. The type of man that I always want to be good enough for. If we could have stopped being so hard on each other maybe the constant battle wouldn't have been. But see, that's where I fuck up. A relationship shouldn't be a battle of always trying to prove yourself to someone who is blind to it. I can't live my life trying to get approval from someone who can't see that all I wanted to do was be the one person that he didn't have to be the strong, emotional robot around. I wanted him to be strong enough with his faith in me and in us that he could show me his weakness. He never did. 

I love my father like no other and I still love Mr. Sagittarius but even more than that I love myself. And even more than myself I love my son. So if I learn from this shit and I'm the best woman that I can be then I will be the best mother I can be. In turn I will not be the deep rooted cause of my son's failed relationships when he gets older and I thank God for that. The burden of that guilt would kill me.