Libra Ish

I've failed at all of my relationships so far. Of course I don't mean to but I do. See, my problem is that I luv love sooo much that I probably won't ever find it. That seems to be the case with most Libras. We are in love with all things beautiful and pleasant so we get side tracked. I can even find the beauty in Lil Wayne (who also happens to be a Libra) describing his ejaculation on a girl's face as "Lancum". *sigh* He sure does have a clever way with words. What a romantic. Anyway, for the most part, Libra "luv" is superficial on the surface. When things are going well we get butterflies and can almost visualize a wedding and our summer condo in South Beach with Mr/Mrs right immediately. On the rare occasion that we actually do love for real it has the ability to destroy us. 

When I dig deeper though I know what my issue is. It really has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a typical Libra. Aside from (the idea and admiration of) relationships, engagements, marriages, whatever it may be I have only actually genuinely loved one man other than my son and my father. Problem is he's a version of my father. My father was the type to ask me where the rest of the points were when I showed him that I got a 97 on a test. I secretly always wanted the approval from him that I never got. I found myself going thru the same thing as an adult with Mr. Sagittarius. A judgmental, observant, kind, blunt, honest, responsible, protective, wise, emotional robot. A Sagittarius man just like my father. Just as emotional and complicated as a Libra but with a twist. They are capable of loving you but they just express it differently. See, their trick is that they have the ability to control their emotions by using logic. A typical Libra is no match against that. The type of man that I am never good enough for. The type of man that I always want to be good enough for. If we could have stopped being so hard on each other maybe the constant battle wouldn't have been. But see, that's where I fuck up. A relationship shouldn't be a battle of always trying to prove yourself to someone who is blind to it. I can't live my life trying to get approval from someone who can't see that all I wanted to do was be the one person that he didn't have to be the strong, emotional robot around. I wanted him to be strong enough with his faith in me and in us that he could show me his weakness. He never did. 

I love my father like no other and I still love Mr. Sagittarius but even more than that I love myself. And even more than myself I love my son. So if I learn from this shit and I'm the best woman that I can be then I will be the best mother I can be. In turn I will not be the deep rooted cause of my son's failed relationships when he gets older and I thank God for that. The burden of that guilt would kill me.